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The Age of Envy: How to Be Happy When Everyone Else's Life Looks Perfect
We live in the age of envy. Career envy, kitchen envy, children envy, food envy, upper ay envy, holiday envy. You name it, there's an envy for it. Human beings have always felt what Aristotle defined in the 4th century BC as pain at the sight of another's good fortune, stirred by the feeling of 'those who have what we ought to have'.
But with social media, says Ethan Kross, professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, 'envy is being taken to an extreme. ' We are constantly bombarded by 'photoshopped lives, ' he says, 'and that exerts a toll on us the likes of which we have never experienced in the history of our species. '
Clinical psychological Rachel Andrew says she is seeing more and more envy in her consulting room, from people who 'can't achieve the lifestyle they want but which they see others have. ' Our use of platforms including Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat, she says, amplifies (放大) this deeply disturbing psychological discord (失调), 'I think what social media has done is make everyone accessible for comparison, ' she explains. 'In the past, people might have just envied their neighbors, but now we can compare ourselves with everyone across the world. '
And those comparisons are now much less realistic. Andrew has observed among her patients that knowing they are looking at an edited version of reality is no defense against the emotional force of envy. 'What I notice is that most of us can intellectualize what we see on social media platforms—we know that these images and narratives that are presented aren't real, we can talk about it and rationalize it—but on an emotional level, it's still pushing buttons. If those images or narratives tap into what we aspire to, but what we don't have, then it becomes very powerful. '
According to Dryden, a cognitive behavioral therapist, when it comes to the kind of envy inspired by social media, there are two factors that make a person more vulnerable (易受伤害的): low self-esteem and deprivation intolerance, which describes the experience of being unable to bear not getting what you want. To overcome this, he says, think about what you would teach a child. The aim is to develop a philosophy, a way of being in the world, which allows you to recognize when someone else has something that you want but don't have, and also to recognize that you can survive without it, and that not having it does not make you less worthy or less of a person.
We could also try to change the way we habitually use social media. Kross explains that most the time, People use Facebook passively and just idly, lazily reading instead of posting, messaging or commenting. 'That is interesting when you realize it is the passive usage that is supposed to be more harmful than the active. The links between passive usage and feeling worse are very robust—we have huge data sets involving tens of thousands of people, he says. While it is less clear how active usage affects well-being, there does seem to be a small positive link, he explains, between using Facebook to connect with others and feeling better.
Dryden differentiates between unhealthy envy and its healthy forms, which, he says, 'can be creative. ' Just as hunger tells us we need to eat, the feeling of envy, if we can listen to it in the right way, could show us what is missing from our lives that really matters to us, Kross explains. Andrew says, 'It is about naming it as an emotion, knowing how it feels, and then not interpreting it as a positive or a negative, but trying to understand what it is telling you that you want. If that is achievable, you could take proper steps towards achieving it. But at the same time, ask yourself, what would be good enough? '
The Age of Envy: How to Be Happy When Everyone Else's Life Looks Perfect | |
Introduction | ●【1】 is the feeling that you wish you had something that someone else has. ● It was 【2】 by Aristotle as the pain of seeing another's good fortune, stirred by the feeling of 'those who have what we ought to have'. |
New problems with envy in the age of social media | ● Social media is taking envy to an extreme by making everyone accessible for 【3】. ● People are so much disturbed by envy that an increasing number of them have to consult doctors. ● Full knowledge of false comparisons still can't 【4】 people from envy, and those with low self-esteem and deprivation intolerance are more likely to fall 【5】. |
Possible ways to 【6】 the pain | ● Learn to recognize that it's 【7】 that someone else has something you want but don't have. ● Learn to recognize that without the thing you can still survive and you are still a useful person. ● Change the way we use social media from just passively reading to 【8】 posting, messaging or commenting. |
Conclusion | ● We should distinguish unhealthy envy from its healthy forms. ● When envy appears. 【9】 we can listen to it properly, it won't show us what really matters to us. ● We should take proper steps to feel and understand envy instead of 【10】 it arbitrarily. |